Category Archives: review

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

1I’m quickly becoming a fan of naps. They are fantastic, especially if I get to climb under the warm covers in bright daylight peeking through closed blinds, turn to a dark wall and put some music on and sigh blissfully at the thought of others having lessons while I’m home having a nap. Dark rooms are for sleeping, not napping and five-minute naps are pussy naps; yet I took one today.

At some point during the third endless lightsaber battle scene of the horror film Jupiter Ascending I blacked out. Don’t worry, though — as I woke up, there were still people in the cinema. And that shit show went on for 30 more minutes.

The film probably wants to be Star Wars with an immigrant girl from Chicago but fails so fast you don’t even have time to blink. One of the most demoralising things is how explicitly and quickly it’s made clear all humans are ignorant cattle (not Kunis though, she is the queen or some shit). Films that establish how inferior the human race are are usually good at it; here, you just feel you’ve been shat on. The chick meets her destiny, a half-dog eyeliner-wearing Channing Tatum, and what follows is a painful, embarrassing attempt of an adventure where time feels to be moving in slow motion, so when meaningful I love you looks are exchanged in what seems to be 10 minutes into meeting, any hope of the film being being funny-bad turns into a-gun-to-my-head-bad. Extensive amounts of fake mythology and pretty visuals are usually not a bad thing but it’s too much and too little at the same time and everything ends up in a dull blob. So details like the breath-taking outfit the girl queen has as she saves the world become impossible to appreciate. A hundred and seventy-six million dollars was spent on this stinking pile of garbage. Think how many kids could pay off their college debts with this.

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I considered a ‘x things I hate about Jupiter Ascending’ post about the horrible Russian, the cringe-worthy stereotypes, how Mila Kunis acted worse than I ever thought possible, about the underdeveloped… everything… but mostly plot, characters, background and structure, the utter lack of chemistry between any of the characters, the atrocious writing, the terrible battle scenes, how overdramatic every scene was, the idea that using the word “gene” as many times as possible explains everything, the stupid last name of the goddamn great dynasty, and the whole film was like a mash-up of great films put together by a greatly incompetent mixer, but in the end, there are only so many synonyms for ‘horrible’ and I kind of wanted to share the nap thing. I went to see this with a friend (and the joy of spending time with her was 100% of the reason I didn’t walk out) and by the middle, we were both so horrified that we couldn’t even make fun of the film.

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I did like the ending. The jury’s still out on if maybe it came from joy of the film finally being over, but I think I also appreciated how sweet Kunis was and how pretty that rooftop was.

A quick peek into tumblr told me terrifying things: people actually liked this film. So I’ll go all out and say: no, there were no redeeming qualities for me. I though Eddie Redmayne was ridiculous, any hidden meaning gets lost in how awful it is to simply go through the film, it’s overly long and I still want to punch a wall for not reading up before and wasting any of my time or money on this shit. Don’t see it. Official recommendation.

Night Has Settled (2014)

It still weirds me out to see the level of authenticity teenagers are portrayed in — unhibited and unapologetic; honest and raw, every beautiful and ugly story is told. Especially the ugly. Sex, drugs, one cigarette after another, the word ‘fuck’ flying as fast as clothes from Miley Cyrus. Depression is taken seriously, without clichés or embellishments. The thing with Night Has Settled is that it portrays all of this witch children.

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Trash (2014) – “Because it is right.”

First time I heard about police violence in Latin America was when Mario, my fellow exchange student in Norway, blew our minds by talking about it. We were supposed to have a workshop about cultural learnings or something like that for two hours, but instead, we were listening to him talk more than any of us had ever heard him talk — he could barely speak English back then, but that didn’t stop him. It was intense. He spoke about the police being so corrupt that it hurts, how dehumanised they are, how the poor are treated as trash. This film, cleverly titled, is a testimony to that side of Brazil.

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The Maze Runner (2014) — “Welcome to the Glade.”

still-of-thomas-brodie-sangster,-alexander-flores,-kaya-scodelario,-dylan-obrien-and-ki-hong-lee-in-the-maze-runner-(2014)-large-picture-2Please, someone, explain to me, why the fuck would someone want to ruin a film by making the last ten minutes complete shit? I am honestly so pissed off. I go to watch a film, I endure watching it with a book reader1 who spoils everything a split second before it happens2 and I am rewarded with an ending that completely undermines everything, an ending that is as satisfying as all these This Girl Did This Ordinary Thing… But It’s Amazing What Happened Next fucking clickbait titles. Yeah, There Is No Ending. But Watch The Next Two Films, They Might Have Endings!!

Fuck you.

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We have this super adorable guy, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, who won my heart ages ago by voice acting for Ferb from Phineas & Ferb and then by being in Game of Thrones and now being the shining sun of the film3, plus he is a really good character among other good, if slightly played out characters. We have awesome acting all around, even the gorgeous, though very miscast Kaya Scodelario and the surroundings are gorgeous.

Let us not forget the consistently superb atmosphere, often achieved by a wonderful and timely placed score, subtle acting by most of the young all-boys cast4 and just the right amount of scary to tickle my fancy. Naïve at times, the film still manages to be so likable and exciting that it’s very fun to watch.

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Do you feel it? Feel like there were some really good times here but you really could not get excited because of the ending I ranted about in the very beginning? That’s great, because I felt the exact same way — the whole film seems ruined because of the ending. Thanks a lot, Wes Ball. One time a book adaption needs its ending changed to make a complete film, you skip the opportunity.

Wow. This was refreshing.

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1 a book dissatisfied book reader, I must add, which is a horrible thing, because the comments you get make you all the less excited for the film
2 or get the “but that wasn’t in the book!” reaction
3 I made sure to include him on each picture, too, as you can see :’)
4 Scodelario and the woman in the end don’t count!!